i remember a long while back, i posted a blog about how every member is a piece of my heart. And lately, these cracks have become bigger and the holes become more frequent. The comfort zone has become a home that people do not find action anymore. Right now, i am sick of all of the trying, of all of the doing. Right now, there is no trust. My ideas are simply being ridiculed and my voice does not matter anymore. I was going to leave for a little while, but now I’m just thinking of leaving for longer.

If you really think that forcing me to go because if I do not, my position is on the line, HELPS me to go, then you have made me angry. Angrier then i have ever been before.

I can’t even leave without anyone trusting me anymore. I can trust people to do their things, but no one can trust me. That is just a whole bunch of bullcrap. So now, I’m not going to give any trust anymore. If people can not trust me and what I have to do, then whats the point of giving my trust to people?

So trust in this “family”, just flew out of the window. Thanks a lot.

If I could, I would yell at those I want to yell, or if i could, everybody. Yea I sound dramatic but being dramatic help gets the idea across in their little heads. Im so sick and tired of the Bullcrap that I have to go through everyday. All the ridicule, mocks, put downs, bullying, back talking, etc. It may seem like i have friends, but really, who can i really call a “Friend”. In the end they are all there to hurt you, one way or another. They use you rather then stick by you. Believe me, it may seem that people “know” me, but all I am is a lone wolf. The worst thing of all, people bring me along because they KNOW that i will feel left out. Sure it may seem nice to everybody to include EVERYBODY, but why stick me in a place where all I get is ridicule, anger, and ignored. And the truth is, people may KNOW me, but no one really KNOWS me. Nobody, and i repeat, NOBODY asks me about me. Honestly there were a few, but they arent in my life anymore. Simply the main reason why I am still here is because I love the source, the source of my life and happiness. The duties handed to me just put me deeper in the mud. All I have been doing is sitting in the sidelines and just watching the action continue for everybody else. Frankly, the King Kong in me has broken out and is mad at myself for all the PAIN I have smiled through…

I guess if i wanna do anything amazing in my life, i have to do it myself. As a lone wolf…

Simply putting it this way, the fire in my soul is gone. I have no passion to serve anymore. Sure there may be the occasional flare to what is left, but that is only because I have to, not because I want it to. The only reason I dont just drop everything now is because they NEED me.

In all, I am being pushed down with everything i do, 24/7. So why should i even fight back anymore? Why should I be that knight in shining armor people need? Why should I even care anymore?

Honestly, i have been surprised on how long I have been in this group. Two freakin’ years… I have never thought that I would be so mad and wanting to escape the place that i thought WAS my escape. The stress, drama, and constant yelling is what makes me want to leave. I thought I found peace when I first joined, I thought I found a reason to turn back to God. But I can tell, this group is falling apart, honestly. I’ve done so much, all that I can to fix things, but I feel…alone. Like just another old weight, waiting to be tossed out. I feel like, no, I KNOW if I were to leave, then I would be called a bad person first of all. It has happened before to those I cared about. Then it would seem like no one would miss me or care enough to give that lending hand. They know I deserve more, they know I can do more. But this group has lost its eyes to the future and cant seem to take down a simple problem. I dont see them as a way to grow with Christ. I don’t see my purpose here anymore. I wanna step down, I want to quit. But in the end, I don’t have the confidence to say so or the strength to let go. At least not yet…

I don’t know if you are going to read this, or if you see this. But I’m going to save you and bring you back to the greater glory of love that is God. I will be your superhero.

I seriously Hate and I do mean HATE choir now. I’m glad its not my passion anymore. God sent me towards a better and more fun career. I think its not even fair anymore. Like the teacher has her favorites and those who aren’t on it get shunned. It changed one of my closest friends to the point where its like she don’t know me, like me or respect me anymore. And it has gone to the point where we perform on SUNDAYS. As in the day of SERVICE. Also its FAMILY DAY. So if you expect me to put choir above my faith and my family, you better believe that I am not going to show up. I swear I think choir became a country ruled by dictatorship. I wish I can switch out.

Okay ill start it off like this.

Why the heck are you so freakin mad about me not passing my drivers test. Yes I understand that I NEED to pass. But why are you yelling at me for TRYING. At least I am! Out of this family, I am the only one trying! I’m pushing myself to do this without your help. OH I just LOOOOOVE how u promise to let me practice. But I just LOOOOOOVE how that’s just another freaking lie. You want me to practice, but HOW do I do that if you won’t let me drive. I even told this to my latest instructor and she even agreed that I need to practice more and to allow me to drive. I also just LOOOOOOVE how u want me to take a class. Tell me this, why the in heck should I? Because it helps me? Because it helps me get used to my surroundings? I know this already! It’s a freaking huge waste of money! COMON 40 DOLLARS AND HOUR! THAT’S NONSENSE! But I can’t practice because you already know, YOU DON’T ALLOW ME TO TRY!!!! RRAAAGH! Do you just not trust me with driving our car around? Are you just scard about me crashing?! Yea thanks for the trust….